


keep still and hold your breath

by CyrusBreeze



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mentions of Suicide, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 08:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17076620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyrusBreeze/pseuds/CyrusBreeze
Summary: Prompt Fill:One of them has a horrible shift and goes to the other for comfort.  Hot cocoa and hurt/comfort.





	keep still and hold your breath

**Author's Note:**

> So this kinda wrote itself. 
> 
> It sorta exploded out of the thought of Vic having an extremely emotional reaction to Travis asking Warren to leave him. The words, “you quit on me!” really resonated with me. Also, there’s the fact that she tells Travis, “You don’t know what I’ve been through.” as a rookie. So I wanted to explore that. I literally wrote this in an hour. 
> 
> Also, I tried to include hot cocoa and then I learned about Wattleseed and then I totally kinda forgot their drinks existed and ended up focusing on the hurt/comfort aspect. Anyway....
> 
> Title comes from Something in the Air by Steelfeathers aka the song playing when Vic yells at Ripley at the skyscraper. 
> 
> Trigger warning: mentions of death by suicide and suicide methods. Please tread with caution.

The snow flurries are thick and heavy and Vic knows they’ll have several inches of snow before the night is over. 

It’s the first snowfall of the year, but Vic can’t bear to feel excited. The call she was one earlier weighs heavy on her mind, and she can hardly breathe. 

She’s in the driveway of Lucas’s house before she can stop herself. She needs a distraction. She needs to tell someone what happened today. Vic turns off her car and steps out. 

The snow is falling heavier that it did when she left work, and Vic takes a long moment to observe the fat snowflakes that fall from the sky. She smiles just a little bit. 

Jamie loved the snow. It was his favorite part about winter. 

A sharp gust of wind blows and Vic hurries up the steps of Lucas’s house. 

She knocks on the door, and it swings open a moment later. 

“Victoria,” Lucas breathes out. “I wasn’t expecting you.” 

Vic breathes slowly. “I know... I... I just...” Vic trails off. “I want to talk,” she finishes lamely,

Lucas’s face softens. “I’m making some wattleseed coffee if you’d like a cup.” 

Vic nods and enters the house. It smells good, like hazelnut and chocolate and coffee. It’s a pleasant smell, and it helps Vic to ground herself in the present. Her mind has been racing since that call, and most of her felt like she was functioning on autopilot. 

Vic settles on Lucas’s couch and she turns her head to observe Lucas as he pours the coffee into two mugs. 

“I don’t usually put sugar or milk into this, but I can get some if you like,” Lucas says. 

Vic shakes her head. Perhaps the bitter taste would help to be further ground her. 

Lucas places both mugs on the coffee table, and Vic takes a small sip, the flavor explodes in her mouth. 

“This is incredible,” she says. 

“My mum used to make it all the time when I was a kid,” Lucas explains. “Wattleseed is indigenous to Australia, so it’s tough to find it here. Naomi, my sister-in-law, had some shipped to her, so she gave it to me as an early Christmas present. Wattleseed was always a favorite of mine growing up.” 

Vic grimaces at that, and Lucas frowns. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks. 

Vic takes a long sip of her drink and then inhales. “Growing up, I had a friend. His name was Jamie. We were both mixed race, born on the same day, thirty minutes apart, in the same city in California. We both were adopted by a family in Seattle, and we met in nursery at church when we were one. It was an instant connection. We used to joke that we were twins who were separated at birth and given to different families. And it was pure luck that we managed to find each other. And Jamie understood me. We went through a lot of the same struggles as kids. Even as teenagers, we remained friends. He was the one person in the world that I could tell anything to, and I kept all of his secrets for him. We went to college together, and we lived in the same tiny apartment for almost four years. During our last semester, he started to become withdrawn. He was a straight A student who suddenly stopped turning in papers and just stopped caring about the world. I thought it was just senioritis.” 

Vic pauses and takes a deep breath. This part is always the hardest. Vic has only shared this story would one other person who didn’t know Jamie, and it hurts to have to relive it. Her eyes were filling up with tears, but Vic knew that she needed to talk about it, needed to tell someone before her mind imploded on itself. “Two weeks before graduation, I came home to find a Jamie hanging in his room. It’s something I will never be able to forget. He never left a note or gave any indication as to why he killed himself. I don’t know why he did it, but he just quit. He quit on himself, and he quit on life, and he quit on me. I cried myself to sleep every night for a year after that. And then I realized that I couldn’t just sit there and wallow in grief. Jamie always said that he wanted better for me than he did for himself. And that meant that I couldn’t give up, I couldn’t quit on life. So I started training, and I joined the fire department. And I got better. I went through hell, but I got better.” 

Vic pausez and takes another sip of coffee, relishing in the heat and the taste and the burn. It’s grounding. It keeps her thoughts from wandering too far. 

Lucas is looking at her with a soft look on his face, and she knows she needs to tell the rest of the story. She knows she needs to explain why today but her so hard, why she’s here, on the verge of tears and why she’s sitting on his couch but is a million miles away.

“Victoria,” Lucas says. His voice is thick with emotion. “Vic, I’m so sorry.” 

She pushes through the mud and keeps talking. “We had a call today,” she says. “I rode with Montgomery in the Aid Car. We got there and... the victim… he was hanging in his living room m. And his girlfriend... his girlfriend was screaming and screaming and screaming and I panicked. I froze. Gibson took me out, and I couldn’t breathe. We sat on the sidewalk and I just sat there, staring at nothing.”

“Victoria,” Lucas whispers. His tone is soft and gentle. 

“I know this is a lot to dump on you and that we just started dating but I just, I needed to tell someone. And you, you understand more than most.”

Lucas rubs a comforting hand on her back. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry about your best friend, and I’m sorry about today.” 

“It’s not fair. This isn’t fair,” Vic whispers, not caring that she sounds childish. It’s not fair. Having to respond to a suicide isn’t fair. Losing Jamie wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. 

“I know,” Lucas replies. And Lucas does know. He knows that toll that a call can take on you when it hits too close to home. He knows what it’s like to stare at a dead body and to relive your worst nightmare. Lucas understands, and that’s why Vic is here. 

He pulls Vic closer and Vic shifts until her face is hidden in his shirt. And for the first time that day, Vic lets herself go. 

She sobs and Lucas rubs her back gently. 

She had feel the steady beating of his heart. He’s here. He’s alive. And he’s sitting next to holding her. Lucas is here. And the thought is comforting to Vic. 

Vic doesn’t know how long the two of them sit there, curled up on Lucas’s couch, their cups of Wattleseed coffee forgotten. 

Vic just cries, and Lucas comforts her. It helps. It’s not a cure. It’s not perfect, but Lucas is here, and he understands, and for now, that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> This was very near and dear to me. I’ve been on both sides of the equation. I’ve lost someone to suicide, and I’ve seriously considered suicide. It isn’t easy. 
> 
> If you are contemplating suicide: please reach out to someone, whether that’s a friend or a therapist or a hotline or a family. I know it’s easy to feel like a burden, but there are people who love you and who want you to keep breathing. Don’t forget that. 
> 
> And if you’re not contemplating: please check on your friends. You never know if it could literally save a life. 
> 
> Sending y’all love and hugs. Please keep breathing. ❤️


End file.
